Fear is worry magnified

Worry is just about the worst form of mental activity there is-next to hate, which is deeply self-destructive.  Worry is pointless.  It is wasted mental energy.  It also creates bio-chemical reactions, which harm the body, producing everything from indigestion to coronary arrest, and a multitude of things in between.  Health will improve almost at once when worrying takes a back seat.

 

Fear is worry magnified.  Worry, hate, fear-together with their off shoots: anxiety, bitterness, impatience, unkindness, being judgmental, and condemnation-all attack the body at the cellular level.  It is impossible to have a healthy body under these conditions.

 

 What you most fear is what will most plague you.  Fear will draw it to you like a magnet.  Thought is creative.  Fear attracts like energy.  Emotion is the power, which attracts.  That which you fear strongly, you will experience.  Invite yourself to move past that.  Try a new response.  Try laughter.

You see, suffering has nothing to do with events, but with one’s reaction to them.  What’s happening is merely what’s happening.  How you feel about it is another matter.

Embarrassment is the response of a person who still has an ego investment in how others see him/her…. Neal Donald Walsh

 

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Characteristics of a conscious relationship

1.     You realise that your relationship has a hidden purpose – the healing of childhood wounds.  Instead of focusing entirely on surface needs and desires, you learn to recognise the unresolved childhood issues that underly them.  When you look at relationship with this x-ray vision, your daily interactions take on more meaning.  Puzzling aspects of your relationship begin to make sense to you, and you have a greater sense of control.

 2.     You create a more accurate image of your partner.  At the very moment of your attraction, you began fusing your partner with your parents or caretakers.  Later you projected your negative traits onto your partner, further concealing your partner’s essential reality.  As you move towards a conscious relationship, you gradually let go of these illusions and begin to see more of your partner’s truth.  You see your partner not as your saviour but as another wounded human being, struggling to be healed.

3.     You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner.  In an unconscious relationship, you cling to the childhood belief that your partner automatically understands your needs.  In a conscious relationship, you accept the fact that, in order to understand each other, you have to develop clear channels of communication.

4.     You become more intentional in your interactions.  In an unconscious relationship, you tend to react without thinking.  You allow the response of your subconscious to control your behaviour.  In a conscious relationship, you train yourself to behave in a more constructive manner.

5.     You  learn to value your partner’s needs and wishes as highly as you value your own.  In an unconscious relationship, you assume that your partner’s role in life is to take care of your needs magically.  In a conscious relationship, you let go of this view and divert more and more of your energy to meeting your partner’s needs.

6.     You embrace the dark side of your personality.  In a conscious relationship, you openly acknowledge the fact that you, like everyone else, have negative traits.  As you accept responsibility for this dark side of your nature, you lessen your tendency to project your negative traits onto your mate, which creates a less hostile environment.

7.     You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires.  During the power struggle, you rave, rant, and blame in an attempt to coerce your partner to meet your needs.  When you attempt to move beyond this stage, you realise that your partner can indeed be a resource for you – once you abandon your self-defeating tactics.

8.     You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking.  One reason you were attracted to your partner is that your partner had strengths and abilities that you lacked.  Therefore, being with your partner gave you an illusory sense of wholeness.  In a conscious relationship, you learn that the only way you can truly recapture a sense of oneness is to develop the hidden traits within yourself.

9.     You become aware of your drive to be loving and whole and at one with the world around you.  As a part of your inherent nature, you have the ability to love unconditionally and to experience oneness with the world around you.  Social conditioning and imperfect parenting made you lose touch with these qualities.  In a conscious relationship, you begin to rediscover your original nature.

10. You accept the difficulty of creating a good relationship.  In an unconscious relationship, you believe that the way to have a good relationship is to pick the right partner.  In a conscious relationship, you realise you have to be the right partner.  As you gain a more realistic view of love relationships, you realise that a good relationship requires commitment, discipline, and the courage to grow and change; relationships are hard work.

Source – Beyond Success Coaching, Relationship Unit

Healthy relationships are going to be vital during the changes in 2012

Set yourself free!

Responsibility!    Stop the blame game.

Many people throw the blame for their problems onto someone else – usually their partner. When we blame others we opt out of responsibility. We abdicate the possibility for change. We lose our power to make a difference….all in the name of ‘being right’.  A great loss to the relationship!

Ask yourself:

What can I do to change the situation?

What did I do to contribute to this situation?

Did I not trust?

Did I fail to be clear about what I wanted?

Did I choose the wrong time?

Did I fail to stand up for what I believe is true for me?

Did I fail to ask for what I wanted?

Did I not ask enough? Appreciate enough?

Did I not do what I said I would do?

Did I procrastinate?

There is an often quoted saying, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free”. Facing up to truth is a choice. It is at the very core of human nature to blame others. Blame is a form of self-preservation, an escape mechanism for us. We don’t want things to be our responsibility, so we rationalise our actions and go to any extreme to blame others. However, the relationship suffers big time! In protecting ourselves, we damage the relationship.

When we appoint blame, we lose the opportunity to solve a problem. We are more responsible for our decisions than we think. ‘What goes around comes around’. When blaming, we may think we’ve got away  ‘with it’. Think again! Do you really think that we have? What are the real consequences of blaming? Does it work? I expect that the answer is “No”. Here then, is an opportunity to make a real difference. Choose not to blame…….it doesn’t work!

Nothing in our relationship will change unless we begin to do something different. If you want to get something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.

Gandhi put it this way, “We must become the change we seek in the world (relationship) and that takes a decision”.  It’s all in the ability to choose.

How often do we choose to be caring, honest, accepting and responsible?

These attributes don’t seem to be ‘natural’ in our society!

Maybe we get caught up in the following?

Not interested enough in others?    Too busy getting self together?

–  detracting from CARING / AWARENESS

Manipulating?  Defensive? Not wanting to deal with consequences?

–  detracting from HONESTY

Power games?  I’m not good enough? Fixed on “getting it right”?  Socialised black and white thinking?

–  detracting from ACCEPTING

Taking the easy route? Following others? Fear of making the “wrong” decision? Blaming others?

–  detracting from RESPONSIBILITY

If you catch yourself blaming, choose to stop, and feel good about being responsible!

Play to stay together!

The ability to be playful translates into staying power. Having fun together enables relationships to thrive in the face of stressful and challenging situations.

Try some ‘openness’, seeing things through their eyes.

All emotional sharing builds strong and lasting relationship bonds, but sharing humor and sheer delight adds a unique restorative and healing element, reducing stress and mending fences. Nothing works faster or more dependably to alter stress and bring your body and mind back into balance. With so much power to heal and renew, the ability to laugh easily and frequently is a tremendous resource for surmounting problems in relationships. Finding ways to create a playful environment in even the most dire situation can dramatically transform the outcome.

In relationship, play is a source of pleasure made more joyous by the mutuality of the experience. We play together in relationship to:

  • Practice spontaneity

  • Let go of defences – forgetting briefly our judgements, criticisms and doubt.

  • Release inhibitions

  • Calm and energise

  • Become emotionally authentic

The laughter of course needs to be mutually shared and not one sided. Also, when we use humour as a cover for other feelings of fear, hurt, anger, and disappointment, we create confusion and mistrust in our relationship.

One of the best ways to learn how to play is to practice with the ‘experts’. Play with animals, babies, young children. Every one of us is born joyful.  It is our natural birthright.  We’re all born happy, playful, free, uninhibited and loving but, bit by bit, children learn to rein in laughter, seek approval, hide impulses and become conditioned to do only that which makes life easier for others.

Remember what made you happy and start shedding the old limitations and expectations.  It takes courage to choose joy.

Play gives us the opportunity to turn frustrations and negative experiences into opportunities for shared fun and intimacy. Laughter and the ability to see things from a humorous perspective make us resilient and gives us a means to strengthen the relationship.

Why do men cheat?

T Scott – an interesting perspective on Troy’s Blog

Sigh…Well unlike all of the stories I’ve heard up to now there’s not one reason that anyone cheats.  However, the many reasons for cheating can be separated into two categories… you guessed it : Physical and Emotional.

Let me clarify these two behaviors quickly.  The Physical is generally known as the aggressor, the alpha male/female, whereas the Emotional is known for being the passive or the quiet one.  Unfortunately, it has been taught that being the physical is the ‘correct’ way to become successful in life…I wonder who perpetuated that idea.  I disagree.  The key to success is identifying and developing your strengths and applying them in the right place for the right purpose.

So, let’s start with the Emotional male/female.  The emotional personality comes across as shy, quiet, the cool one, a good listener or even sensitive.  The substructure of this behavior amounts to the lack of desire for confrontation creating the yes man/woman.  They are called emotionals because they put their emotions in front to protect their physical bodies; such as bashfulness, embarrassment or simply silence.  As it relates to sex, the emotional is normally waiting for the physical to make the move.  So, if you find that the two of you do a lot of waiting for the other to make the first move, you’re probably both emotionals. This causes a tremendous amount of issues in the bedroom.  The emotional needs to be warmed up first to have sex whereas the physical likes to jump right in feet first.  If the emotional feels that their needs are not being satisfied, they’re not going to ‘confront’ the physical about it, they’re typically going to tell a friend.  In the event that this friend is of the opposite sex, they’ll feel like someone actually listens to them and understands them.  Unfortunately, they’re probably talking to another emotional who agrees with them and gives advice against the physical.  This ultimately leads to affairs and the couple breaking up.

Now for the physical.  The physical is the light-hearted socialite that never meets a stranger.  They’re labeled physicals because their emotions are tied closely yo their physical actions.  Unlike the emotional, they can curse you out one minute and be your friend again in the next. They’re erroneously called emotionals most times because of their flamboyant expressions of their feelings.  They’re called go-getters, over-reactors, on the edge or quick-witted, bossy, short-tempered and all out physical.  This is why the emotional turns away and wont continue to fight or argue with them.  The physical mistakes this submission as a win, when in fact the emotional is internally making plans for revenge.When its time for the physical to have sex and the emotional turns them away, that doesn’t mean that the feeling went away.  So, what do they do?  They call up some friends head out to the bar and pick up another physical who likes to have sex as much as they do.  However, the physical will not typically choose another physical to be in a relationship with…unless there’s money involved.  That goes for both personalities actually.

So, at the end of the day, people cheat because of the lack of understanding what the other person needs in the relationship.  If you knew how to communicate properly with your mate…you can get anything from them that you ever dreamed of.  Now, this is not the end all be all of cheating but it is why most problems occur in the bedroom.

In closing, I’d like to stress that there is no right or wrong person in a relationship, there are only different ways of communicating our feelings.  Both parties have to be willing to see it from the other side.  Balance in a relationship comes from expressing your will their way or vice-versa.

Why self-compassion is healthier than self-esteem


The great angst of modern life is this: no matter how hard we try, no matter how successful we are, no matter how good a parent, worker, or spouse we are – it’s never enough. There is always someone richer, thinner, smarter, or more powerful, someone that makes us feel small in comparison. Failure of any kind, large or small, is unacceptable. The result: therapist’s offices, pharmaceutical companies, and the self-help aisles of bookstores are besieged by people who feel they’re not okay as they are. What to do?

One response has come in the form of the self-esteem movement. Over the years there have been literally thousands of books and magazine articles promoting self-esteem – how to get it, raise it and keep it. The pursuit of high self-esteem has become a virtual religion, but research indicates this has serious downsides. Our culture has become so competitive we need to feel special and above average to just to feel okay about ourselves (being called “average” is an insult). Most people, therefore, feel compelled to create what psychologists call a “self-enhancement bias” – puffing ourselves up and putting others down so that we can feel superior in comparison. However, this constant need to feel better than our fellow human beings leads to a sense of isolation and separation. And then, once you’ve gotten high self-esteem, how do you keep it? It’s an emotional roller-coaster ride: our sense of self-worth bounces around like a ping-pong ball, rising and falling in lock-step with our latest success or failure.

One of the most insidious consequences of the self-esteem movement over the last couple of decades is the narcissism epidemic. Jean Twenge, author of Generation Me, examined the narcissism levels of over 15,000 U.S. college students between 1987 and 2006. During that 20-year period, narcissism scores went through the roof, with 65 percent of modern-day students scoring higher in narcissism than previous generations. Not coincidentally, students’ average self-esteem levels rose by an even greater margin over the same period. Self-esteem has also been linked to aggression, prejudice and anger towards those who threaten our sense of self-worth. For example, some kids build up their egos by beating up other kids in the playground. It’s hardly healthy.

Of course we don’t want to suffer from low self-esteem either, so what’s the alternative? There is another way to feel good about ourselves: self-compassion. Self-compassion involves being kind to ourselves when life goes awry or we notice something about ourselves we don’t like, rather than being cold or harshly self-critical. It recognizes that the human condition is imperfect, so that we feel connected to others when we fail or suffer rather than feeling separate or isolated. It also involves mindfulness — the recognition and non-judgmental acceptance of painful emotions as they arise in the present moment. Rather than suppressing our pain or else making it into an exaggerated personal soap opera, we see ourselves and our situation clearly.

It’s important to distinguish self-compassion from self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to the degree to which we evaluate ourselves positively. It represents how much we like or value ourselves, and is often based on comparisons with others. In contrast, self-compassion is not based on positive judgments or evaluations, it is a way of relating to ourselves. People feel self-compassion because they are human beings, not because they are special and above average. It emphasizes interconnection rather than separateness. This means that with self-compassion, you don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself. It also offers more emotional stability than self-esteem because it is always there for you – when you’re on top of the world and when you fall flat on your face.

Self-compassion was also found to be less contingent on things like physical attractiveness or successful performances than self-esteem

Moreover, those in the self-compassion condition took more personal responsibility for the event than those in the self-esteem condition. This suggests that – unlike self-esteem – self-compassion does not lead to blaming others in order to feel good about oneself.

Instead of endlessly chasing self-esteem as if it were the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, therefore, I would argue that we should encourage the development of self-compassion. That way, whether we’re on top of the world or at the bottom of the heap, we can embrace ourselves with a sense a kindness, connectedness and emotional balance. We can provide the emotional safety needed to see ourselves clearly and make whatever changes are necessary to address our suffering. We can learn to feel good about ourselves not because we’re special and above average, but because we’re human beings intrinsically worthy of respect.

To test your own self-compassion level, read more about self-esteem, find videos, guided meditations, and exercises, go to www.self-compassion.org.  

 Kristin Neff, Ph.D. in The Power of Self-Compassion

Health for Busy People!

Is it possible to be busy and healthy?

When you are pushed for time it can be hard to even think about, let alone action, a healthy lifestyle.

How much is your health costing your business?How much is your health costing you?

What you need is a few simple, easy to apply solutions, that will make an impact but require very little effort to implement.

Here are 5 things you can do that will help to:

  • Keep your energy levels up
  • Keep your mind focused
  • Keep you in control of your mood
  1. Eat something for breakfast: some quick breakfast choices are… a Carmen’s muesli bar, an apple and a handful of nuts, a bowl of muesli, a bowl of instant oats, A vegetable juice (a good combination is apple, beetroot, carrot, celery and ginger), a banana and a some almonds, fruit salad and yoghurt, whole grain seeded toast/pumperknickle or rye toast with avocado, peanut butter,  hummus, sliced tomato, a boiled egg or some veggie mite.  A good breakfast gives your brain, red blood cells and nerves the energy they need to get fired up and function for the day.  If you don’t have breakfast your body will break down your MUSCLE to fuel itself, a sure way to make you feel tired and low on energy.
  2. Keep healthy snacks like nuts and fresh fruit or trailmix, veggie sticks or sesame ryevita and hummus  handy to snack on during the day. Eating regularly through the day (small amounts 3-5 times) helps to keep your blood sugar levels stable, which keeps your energy levels and your mood stable… it’s that simple! The fresher the food, the more energy available in it.
  3. Keep well hydrated. Drink lots of water and keep the caffeine intake low.  A dehydrated brain feels foggy, dizzy and dirty.  Keep it feeling fresh and clear with lots of hydrating fluids, water, herbal teas, vegetable juices (aim for at least 3 glasses of water and 3 cups of some other caffeine free, 100 % natural beverage like 2 herbal teas and a vegetable juice) .
  4. Move your body in a way that feels good.  Keep the energy flowing into and out of your body, think of your body as a body of water, you want to stir it up every now and again, keep the stream flowing and circulating, airing it, energising it so that it doesn’t stagnate. Do you want a crystal flowing stream, bubbling brook or a stagnant smelly swamp.  Move in ways that you love e.g. walk, sFind time to play!kip, dance, body surf in the ocean, ride your bicycle, do the funky chicken with your kids, hike, swim… Start by getting physical in ways that feel invigorating and are filled with pleasure, don’t start with exercises that feel like torture and punishment. Move everyday! Do it with someone if it helps. The payoff from the commitment is MASSIVE. Commit to it, then do it, you will be SO glad you did after you have. Make time to play!
  5. Live on purpose… live and act with deliberate intention, pride and love. Love what you are creating and contributing to and acting on everyday. Find ways to reflect positively and shed light on all your daily activities. The things that you are finding difficult to do or procrastinating about might be out of line with your value systems, your beliefs, your purpose… this will cause incongruency in your life, which can manifest as pain, fatigue, frustration, disease. Find little ways to be grateful for what you are doing, find pleasure in all you do and do what you love.

 

Nurture yourself when you need comfort


Need some extra inspiration or support?  http://www.ivegotlife.com.au