Female Orgasm


We are all different!


We have always known as women that our sexuality is completely different to men’s  – the whole male thing of the biological imperative to spread the DNA as far and wide as possible and the whole woman thing of capturing a mate for long enough to bring life into the world and have it cared for the first 7 years etc (the 7 year itch makes complete sense after all) and the fact that we manage to spend any time at all together in the face of such a truly absurd cosmic joke is truly a miracle!

But I must say that I never did get the differences in women’s sexuality and they were obviously there. Sitting around with a bunch of girlfriends over the years getting drunk enough to let truth emerge and then being somewhat astounded at some of the things that emerged and in my mind going, really? And wondering what I was lacking in some areas and possibly outrageously dementedly over the top in others!

And so myths and confusions continued to abound and because of those taboos and inadequacies (religion has a lot to answer for) that are so entrenched over countless generations and because our mothers were ill equipped to deal with their own issues never mind address our own, and despite the sexual revolution that soon became commodified and sold back to us in a variety of ways that simply added fuel to the fire of confusion – we remained in the dark about some of the basics to this day!

Due to a medical condition – Naomi Wolf discovered……

The pelvic nerve is a vastly complex piece of anatomy that profoundly affects how each woman experiences orgasm and is as individual as a finger print.

The nerves branch to the base of the spine while another branch originates in the clitoris, dorsal and clitoral nerve and other branches – like the roots of a tree are connected to the vagina and cervix.

This complex tree of nerves is then connected to the spinal chord and the brain.

Some women have more branches in the vagina than the clitoris and visa versa, some have more to the perineum and some have more to the cervix and this accounts for the huge variety in sexual experience of women. So it is our neural wiring that accounts for the vast well of difference in the sexual experience and has nothing to do with the unconscious or frigidity or patriarchy or emotions or guilt or other things. Freeing us from the guilt or inadequacy that we are getting it wrong or we are uptight or what ever else we may have read about it in a psychological text or trashy women’s magazine!

So all the discussions over the decades about sociology, he id and repression, or sexual freedom, or dominance and submission etc have been a bit like discussing how the world comes to stop at the edge o f the flat earth! Irrelevant really. So if women are not reaching certain types of orgasm it is not because they are unskilled or uptight or inhibited but simply that they are not sure of their own wiring and what best works for them. Comparing them to other women and what works for them is like comparing apples and pears – no two are the same!

This is not to say that experience does not contribute to psychological impairment of reception of pleasure – it does. Sexual abuse, surgery, shame and other factors play a part but the work of Ms Wolf shows us that we can release a great deal of shame and inadequacy because his last girlfriend was different or your friends talk about things you have not experienced and you experience things they have not.

Very liberating ladies – very liberating indeed lol




Busting procrastination

I often get the question…….Why can’t I do what I want to do? 

How can I stop procrastinating?

procrastination = distractions (+ excuses)

Answer these questions;         What are the distractions?         Why the excuses?
Also;         Is there a lack of motivation?         Does your task fit with your values and desires?

Are you a Passive procrastinator  –  relaxed and enjoying life?

or an Active procrastinator  –  protecting yourself.     Fear of ……………………..

The Procrastination Process

Procrastination is a strange phenomenon.  Its purpose seems to be to make our life more pleasant, but instead it almost always adds stress, disorganisation and frequently failure.

Just some of the myriad of reasons we might procrastinate include:


Evaluation Anxiety

Fear of the Unknown

Fear of Failure.

Inability to Handle the Task

Feeling Overwhelmed

Fear and Anxiety

Negative Beliefs about Yourself. 

What to Do about Procrastination

If we are able to admit that our procrastination is not the basic “problem” but rather an attempted “cure” for fears, self-doubts, and dislike of work, we are able to uncover the real problems – underlying fears, attitudes and irrational ideas. We can then deal with the real “problem” and make responsible choices.

Asking yourself, “Am I a relaxed or a tense procrastinator?”

Mark Twain once observed, “twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by things that you didn’t do than by the things that you did do”. When we procrastinate, we create much of our own misery in the first place by telling ourselves the task is really awful (“I hate all this reading”) or by putting ourselves down (“I’ll do a terrible job”) or by telling ourselves something is very unfair (“This task is ridiculous, I can’t stand my boss”) or by setting impossible goals (“I’ve got to get all A’s”). Then we procrastinate to avoid our own self-created emotional dislike of the job at hand.

It’s important now to start stacking your successes

by keeping your word to yourself.


DO what you say you will, and your subconscious mind

will become less of a saboteur and more on your side.

We finally did it – ordered our ‘relationship accelerator’ from Germany

related post – Are You Procrastinating or Just Disinterested?

The Gap

The bigger the gap between the addictive urge and the action,

the greater the degree of Emotional Intelligence

and therefore the greater success.

Having difficulty with impulsive …………………. ? (you name it!)

Here’s an idea from Paul Blackburn’s book “Resolving the Mindset Riddle”

Put a gap between the impulse and the action!  The greater the gap/time, the more powerful.

Take a breath and consider;

  • How?
  • When?
  • Do I really need this?
  • Is it true that I need this?
  • Should I?
  • Is it important?
  • What are the benefits?
  • What is the down side?

After applying the gap, make a choice of action for the highest good..

How many circumstances can you put the gap into your life?

A  sculpture in Broken Hill where I lived for 20 wonderful years, Lexia

Addicted to a Behaviour?

What if giving into temptation was just part of normal, daily?

And what if it wasn’t just food and drink but prescription drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, the Internet, and relationships that called one to compulsive, out-of-control behaviour, resulting in negative lifestyle consequences?

There is evidence that addiction to compulsive behaviour involves similar brain mechanisms to those that operate in drug and alcohol addiction. The ‘dopamine reward pathway’ is an instance in which a feel-good neurotransmitter is released during pleasurable behaviour. It leads to the likelihood of the behaviour being repeated, and eventually becoming a habit.

What to do?

Use these questions to identify risk of becoming addicted to a certain behaviour:

  • Has your job performance suffered due to your behaviour?
  • Do you feel out of control?
  • Did you ever engage in it longer than you had planned?
  • Have you ever engaged in it to escape worry or stress?
  • Has it caused you to have difficulty sleeping?
  • Do you spend less time with family or friends because of it?
  • Has it caused difficulty in relationships?
  • Do you get upset at yourself for engaging in it?
  • Do you feel guilty or ashamed about it?

(Five or more ‘yes’ answers may mean the person has an addiction to a specific behaviour.)

Tips for change:

  • List all the good things about the behaviour. Then list all the less good things about it. What do you notice about the two lists? How do you feel about what you notice? What actions can you take to promote change?
  • Think about the last time it occurred. What happened just before? Does a specific emotion/thought make you want to engage in it more than other thoughts/emotions do? What alternative behaviours would serve you better when you have these thoughts/emotions?
  • What are the usual consequences this kind of behaviour? Do you feel relief or embarrassment? How did others react?  What happened afterwards?  Thinking ahead to the probable consequences may lessen the urge.
  • ‘Surf the urge’ – remember that they come and go. Urges gradually decrease over time if not given in to.
  • Be aware of not setting yourself up for a high-risk situation. For example, buy only one bottle of your favourite wine to keep in the house or leave the credit card at home when you go shopping.

 (this article is based on information from ‘Mindfood’ Dec 2010)

Art work by Jennifer Bedford, go to –  http://www.theblissfulbrush.com