Self comes first

Let each person in relationship worry about Self – what Self is being, doing and having; what Self is wanting, asking, giving; what Self is seeking, creating experiencing, and all relationships would magnificently serve their purpose…..and their participants!  Let each person in relationship worry not about the other, but only, only, only about Self.

This seems a strange teaching, for you have been told that in the highest form of relationship, one worries only about the other.  Yet I tell you this: your focus upon the other-your obsession with the other-is what causes relationships to fail.

It doesn’t matter what the other is being, doing, having, saying, wanting, demanding.  It doesn’t matter what the other is thinking, expecting, planning.  It only matters what you are being in relationship to that.  The most loving person is the person who is Self-centred.

If you cannot love your self, you cannot love another.  Many people make the mistake of seeking love of self through love for another.  They think: “If I can just love others, they will love me.  Then I will be lovable, and I can love me.”

Thus, two people literally lose themselves in a relationship.  They get into the relationship hoping to find themselves, and they lose themselves instead.  This losing of the self in a relationship is what causes most of the bitterness in such couplings.

It is only when they can accept responsibility for all of it that they can achieve the power to change part of it.  It is much easier to change what you are doing than to change what another is doing.

If you had to accept-or even felt a deep inner sense of-personal responsibility for work, it would be a far different place. This would certainly be true if everyone felt responsible.  That this is so patently obvious is what makes it so utterly painful, and so poignantly ironic.

Source – ‘Conversations with God’ – Neal Donald Walsh

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Who’s right!??

A key question to consider if you really would like to deal with the anger habit is:

Do you want to be right?….. or happy?

Because from your point of view, it is likely that much of your anger is quite justified:

If the world ran according to my rules it would be a much better place – so who can blame me for feeling annoyed with the stupidity or thoughtlessness of others – with their refusal to recognise that my way is a better way…

That’s our viewpoint. We (as individuals) often sincerely believe that our way, our ideas, our values, etc. are the best ones. And most other people feel the same about their views. And we cannot all be right. Nor can we all engage in a daily battle to get the world to come around to our way. If we did there wouldn’t be much time for more pleasant things like actually enjoying our life.

But they are all stupid, inconsiderate, etc.

The world does not and will not run by any one person’s rules. (Mussolini tried it, and apparently got the trains in Italy running on time for awhile, but he didn’t last too long). The world will always be quite chaotic. That’s reality. There is no point in getting worked up about it. It is also a reality tat the world is peopled by lots of people with (by our own standards) rather crazy rules, values and behaviours.

They will continue to drive their cars differently to us – and to have different views about what is or is not respectful behaviour, punctuality, tidiness, honesty, etc. becoming angry is pointless because it changes nothing, nor do we have the right to change other people.

The “right or happy” question

 In essence you may feel that you are in the right when you get angry, but the key question is: does it make you happy?

Does it work for you?  and for others?

A lot of people have an issue with this concept. What’s your thoughts?

The 50% Rule

Create Friction Free Relationships

You have an awkward interaction with your friend. Do you blame her and wait for an apology, or do you proactively reach out to ‘own’ your part in it?

Your assistant does your marketing promotion wrong. Do you get irritated at her or do you calm yourself down before asking her to help you understand what went awry and how you can prevent it next time?

In the car, your spouse/partner is lost and aggravated, but won’t stop to ask for directions. Do you snap at him to ‘calm down’ and remind him he ‘always does this’, or do you take out your iPhone GPS and make a ‘note to self’ to print out directions next time (thus averting the usual spat.)

 

Your answers depend on whether you follow the 50% rule. Usually you want to change what the other person is thinking and doing because it is annoying you or making you feel upset, and you think they ‘shouldn’t’ do it that way.

The 50% rule is an approach to all relationships (romantic, business, parenting, friendship, family) in which you focus on being “impeccable for your 50% of the interaction”. It’s not about ‘being nice’ or ‘giving in to keep the peace’. It’s about taking responsibility for your part, relying on your own tools to get yourself into the right emotional state, and acting in a way that aligns with “who you want to be” in the relationship.

The benefits of being impeccable for your 50% are many: you walk away from the interaction feeling proud of yourself rather than guilty for lashing out. You preserve your relationship rather than chip away at it. You decrease the other’s defensiveness so they are more likely to listen to you (and if they are not capable of much change, you are already ‘in a good place’ and thus detached from the ill effects of their behavior).

And this is the most important: you are ‘in control’!

To try out the 50% rule, think of a relationship in your life you want to be better. Draw an imaginary line in between you and that person — everything on one side is your 50% (what YOU think, how YOU feel, what YOU say, what YOU do), everything on the other is theirs.

Notice that what you have been doing until now in this relationship may be efforts that “cross the line”. You may have been “taking on their 50%” (e.g., absorbing their negative energy, feeling responsible for their feelings, trying to rescue them) or getting them to act differently (e.g., blame them to get an apology; tell them they need to change; do favors for them hoping they will approve of you and appreciate you). The other person probably experiences your efforts as controlling and it may have backfired.

Instead, influence them to improve the interaction — but stay within ‘your side of the line.’ There are so many possibilities; here are a few to practice:

1) Take charge of handling your own emotional response

It’s so tempting to scream at the other person to “Calm Down!!!” When you are being impeccable for your 50%, you don’t try to get the other person to relax, you focus on relaxing yourself (so that you can actually deal with the other person in a way that is more calm — that will surely help them to relax!)

Before you snap at your spouse like in the example above, calm yourself down. Try a technique called “reverse breathing”: breathe in slowly through your mouth and breathe out slowly through your nose (this calms your liver where your frustration accumulates). You should feel a cooling sensation across your tongue if you are doing it right.

2) Accept others’ level of evolution and work on yours!

Accept that others are generally doing what they do for good reason (at least within their own worldview). Know that whenever people are being rigid it’s usually because they are stuck on an emotionally unresolved issue that deep down makes them feel bad about themselves (even though it’s not apparent to them). If this is the case, then expecting the person to come around and apologize is a lost cause. Instead of assuming your friend is a jerk, think through what you did before or after their awkward behavior that might have contributed to the breakdown, and take responsibility by clarifying and apologizing for your part.

3) Be bulletproof in your word and deed

Instead of blaming others, put your attention on communicating clearly so you can’t be misunderstood. Focus on using a tone that is motivating and respectful (e.g., say “help me understand what broke down here” instead of “you did this wrong”). Focus on noticing what the other person is doing right and let them know. Don’t give unclear directions and then blame your assistant/business partner for not producing what you wanted.

As you “say what you mean and mean what you say” but your assistant/business partner doesn’t, it becomes very clear with whom the “problem” lies and who is going to need to change as part of the solution. It shifts the balance of power and gives you strong leverage in negotiation — others cannot point a finger back at you, they must take responsibility or you will choose not to work with them.

In short, take 100% responsibility for your 50%. Decide who ‘you want to be’ in the interaction! The irony is that by concerning yourself with your own 50%, you raise the odds of getting the other person to act how you want them to act.

Enjoy the power of being ‘in control’ without being controlling!

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*** Article: How to Create Friction Free Relationships – By Sharon Melnick ***

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Wouldn’t this make a difference to our lives and our world! Comment below.

Trust

Read a great article the other day about the extras in life that can be achieved when trust is a major ingredient in the transaction.

Our experience is not just that money can be made more quickly – after all a 37 year marriage rests on a bedrock of trust. And that trust has been tested many times – that’s how we know it works.

Whilst everything in your life will go better with trust as the keystone: relationships, health, business, holidays, you name it – the key isn’t trust in others despite its necessity.

It’s trust in oneself that makes the biggest difference in our lives.

As I’ve said many a time in Resolving The Mindset Riddle – break someone’s trust and they’ll get over it.

Break your own and you wont.

You’ll forever know yourself as a liar.

Therefore we need to become trustworthy with ourselves by keeping promises like going to the gym, staying off alcohol if we said we would, meditating each day…

Boring I know – but if ever I’ve seen a recipe for success – that would be it.

Source – Paul Blackburn, Beyond Success

Simply danLrene's Opinion

image by turnbacktogod.com

Choice…..what a powerful thing. We wake up every morning and we have a day’s worth of choices before us. We choose what to wear, what to eat, where to go, what to do, whether to talk on the phone, take a shower, fix our hair, drive the car, clean the house, go outside…..our whole life is filled with choices. And that gives us power.

Choices are not just about what we physically do. They are also about what we do emotionally…about how we face the day…about whether we are honest or not….about how we love or don’t love….about whether we are happy or not….about whether to fight or not.  So many choices and it is a power that can be awesome if we utilize it.

image from spiritually-true.com

Choice is only powerful if we use it though. Many will give up their power and their right to…

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A world that lives in Love

‘The Alternate Economy is first and foremost about personal change.”

How do we take a world wracked with woe, ravaged by greed and tormented by fear and turn it into a world of Love?

It seems an insurmountable odd.  There are so many things standing in our way.  Even if we did secure the resources to begin building a Utopia, how do we deal with human nature?  How do we deal with the inevitable attempts to destroy us.  To steal what we have.  To drag us back down.

What, even, will this Utopia look like?  How can it be designed in a way to ensure that it survives human nature?  Can such a thing be done?

It is true that I have gone into little detail about the final product.  You will find scores and scores of motivational material that builds humanity up and discusses how we could achieve such a thing.  But what exactly is it we are trying to achieve?

Part of the reason I have gone into little detail, is because I do not feel it is up to me to define what living in Love entails.  Who am I to say?  I believe in Love and trust that it is good and easy and beautiful and therefore I trust that when humanity learns how to live in Love, the end result will be good and easy and beautiful.  But I have never lived in a Utopia before (at least not in this life).  I do not really know what it would look like.  I can guess.  I can hope.  I can imagine.  But I cannot truly say what a world that lives in Love will begin to look like.

Having said that, it is my responsibility to at least give some hint of vision for the future.  I  will not claim this is the only way, but if I were to hazard a guess, I see a Utopia turning out a lot like this:

Let us pretend that our community has managed to break the cycle of abuse and create a community that lives in Love. I would like to track a new life entering this community, one which is free of encumbrances from the cycle of abuse. Let us see what human nature truly looks like.

A young couple moves into their new home in this new community. The home is a gift, a thank you for all of the support they have offered the Alternate Economy so far. Each young individual begins to contribute to the community as best they can, by pursuing their passions. The father is an excellent cook, and had always loved the calm of the early mornings. He wakes each day and travels to the community kitchens. His home has a kitchen suitable for feeding his family, but for the sort of work he wishes to do today, the community kitchen will fare far better. It is equipped with dozens of high-end ovens and plenty of space for preparation. Because he is wise, he makes sure to alert the community to the times he intends to use the kitchen, by signing up for various time slots. Once he arrives he bakes to his heart’s content. He makes loaves of bread, and cookies and muffins and croissants. Tomorrow he may make something else, but he always makes sure to make as much as he can. After noon he retires to his home, with the choice treats he has selected for his lover to share. The rest of his wares he drops off at the community marketplace. Here others come by in the afternoon time to see what is being offered for the day. They drop off their daily offerings and select the products they wish to take home. If the community finds it is always lacking in one thing, they will petition their neighbours to concentrate more on that item for a while. Croissants are nice, but bread is necessary. After checking if there are any requests for his production for tomorrow, he finally arrives home from his day’s work to be greeted by his lover.

She is also pursuing her passions, but these do not require that she leave the home. She is an avid video editor and takes on projects for the community, to help in either education, awareness or entertainment. She is currently working on a collaboration between the local theatre and the local high school to produce a video which features the conversations between Plato and Socrates. She also likes to wake early and get her work done before her lover arrives home, so that they may spend the rest of the day together.

After a few months of this, the couple decide to have a child. They are very excited for the endeavour, and receive large amounts of support from their friends and neighbours and family. The local midwife attends to the expecting mother, and helps to ensure the birth is as natural and stress free as possible. The mother is educated on proper human motivation and responses to stimuli during the pregnancy, of her own volition. She wants only the best for the newest Love in her life. She is shown how human touch is the most important aspect to the development of a small infant. The mothers diet is the second most important thing. She is given various tools to help her raise her child in the most loving way possible.

Once the child is born, she is given a loving shoulder to lean against for the first few months of her life. She is supported with good diet and proper healthcare. Once she learns to walk and talk she is supported with motivational comments. She is not told that she is naturally talented or naturally smart or naturally gifted, as these statement are just as destructive as being told we are naturally stupid. She is told that she is naturally unique in her passions and that it is her efforts that will be her reward in life. She is told how impressive her efforts have been, regardless of the outcome. She is told that she will be accepted, even when she fails. She will be congratulated on her successes, as a feat well-earned through hard work and awareness of her actions. She will enter school when deemed ready and will begin to interact with knowledge in a new way.

When she arrives at school she will be greeted by a mentor. This mentor will help her to learn to read and write and will guide her in her progress at school. There will be no grades, no marks, no tests. Only books and guest lectures and special screenings and interactive computers and science labs and art rooms and music rooms and workshops. School will be a giant library, with practical labs attached for students to practice what they have read. At first our new student will be obsessed with horses. She will look for any book that has photos or drawings of horses and only read those. Her mentor, understanding the power of passion, allows her obsession. The mentor knows that in time, she will either tire of horses, or become the most knowledgable horse whisperers in history. It seems she does tire, as her concerns are shifted by one book. “Animal Farm” by George Orwell. Her love of horses has turned to a passion for the phrase “ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL, BUT SOME ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS”. Her mentor attempts to explain how other societies in the past used to enslave people and animals and how the sharing of resources and knowledge had not yet been mastered. She does not quite comprehend how this could have been. No one would ever be so silly as to believe that some humans were less worthy than others. All of her friends were beloved in her eyes and worthy of nothing but praise. She then begins to investigate the current farming situation in her community. She is shocked and appalled to find that animals are still used to man’s advantage, as if they were somehow less worthy of Love. A new passion is born. She will not rest until she comes to understand why we still, even after creating a Utopia, raise animals for food. In her quest for Truth, she meets many interesting people and hears many sides of the story. She listens and learns and shares her Love. She comes to learn about the nature and habits of domesticated farm animals. She comes to learn about ecosystems and the food chain and how it has functioned up until this point. But she is not convinced. She will not allow animals to be treated thus, even if it all makes sense on paper.

She has become Love. In her quest for Truth, started by a love of horses, she has come to design fully integrated eco farms. Giant paddocks that use natural processes to allow cows and pigs to live in the closest thing to their natural habitat. I don’t really know what that looks like, she hasn’t been born yet, and hasn’t designed them, but they are pretty spectacular, of that I am sure.

Welcome to the Alternate Economy. People are allowed to share in the community’s wealth, because they contribute to it. The community supports one another in sickness and in health, with Love as their motivator. They do what they do best and they share it with their friends. That is all there is to it. The rest is up to its members. The Alternate Economy will only ever be as spectacular as the people who create it. I do not want to limit it. I believe that people are great, if given the chance to prove it. Imagine what this community could look like. Your vision is just as important as mine.

For it is only together that we will ever find out.

Source – http://alternateeconomy.wordpress.com