Characteristics of a conscious relationship

1.     You realise that your relationship has a hidden purpose – the healing of childhood wounds.  Instead of focusing entirely on surface needs and desires, you learn to recognise the unresolved childhood issues that underly them.  When you look at relationship with this x-ray vision, your daily interactions take on more meaning.  Puzzling aspects of your relationship begin to make sense to you, and you have a greater sense of control.

 2.     You create a more accurate image of your partner.  At the very moment of your attraction, you began fusing your partner with your parents or caretakers.  Later you projected your negative traits onto your partner, further concealing your partner’s essential reality.  As you move towards a conscious relationship, you gradually let go of these illusions and begin to see more of your partner’s truth.  You see your partner not as your saviour but as another wounded human being, struggling to be healed.

3.     You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner.  In an unconscious relationship, you cling to the childhood belief that your partner automatically understands your needs.  In a conscious relationship, you accept the fact that, in order to understand each other, you have to develop clear channels of communication.

4.     You become more intentional in your interactions.  In an unconscious relationship, you tend to react without thinking.  You allow the response of your subconscious to control your behaviour.  In a conscious relationship, you train yourself to behave in a more constructive manner.

5.     You  learn to value your partner’s needs and wishes as highly as you value your own.  In an unconscious relationship, you assume that your partner’s role in life is to take care of your needs magically.  In a conscious relationship, you let go of this view and divert more and more of your energy to meeting your partner’s needs.

6.     You embrace the dark side of your personality.  In a conscious relationship, you openly acknowledge the fact that you, like everyone else, have negative traits.  As you accept responsibility for this dark side of your nature, you lessen your tendency to project your negative traits onto your mate, which creates a less hostile environment.

7.     You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires.  During the power struggle, you rave, rant, and blame in an attempt to coerce your partner to meet your needs.  When you attempt to move beyond this stage, you realise that your partner can indeed be a resource for you – once you abandon your self-defeating tactics.

8.     You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking.  One reason you were attracted to your partner is that your partner had strengths and abilities that you lacked.  Therefore, being with your partner gave you an illusory sense of wholeness.  In a conscious relationship, you learn that the only way you can truly recapture a sense of oneness is to develop the hidden traits within yourself.

9.     You become aware of your drive to be loving and whole and at one with the world around you.  As a part of your inherent nature, you have the ability to love unconditionally and to experience oneness with the world around you.  Social conditioning and imperfect parenting made you lose touch with these qualities.  In a conscious relationship, you begin to rediscover your original nature.

10. You accept the difficulty of creating a good relationship.  In an unconscious relationship, you believe that the way to have a good relationship is to pick the right partner.  In a conscious relationship, you realise you have to be the right partner.  As you gain a more realistic view of love relationships, you realise that a good relationship requires commitment, discipline, and the courage to grow and change; relationships are hard work.

Source – Beyond Success Coaching, Relationship Unit

Healthy relationships are going to be vital during the changes in 2012


Set yourself free!

Responsibility!    Stop the blame game.

Many people throw the blame for their problems onto someone else – usually their partner. When we blame others we opt out of responsibility. We abdicate the possibility for change. We lose our power to make a difference….all in the name of ‘being right’.  A great loss to the relationship!

Ask yourself:

What can I do to change the situation?

What did I do to contribute to this situation?

Did I not trust?

Did I fail to be clear about what I wanted?

Did I choose the wrong time?

Did I fail to stand up for what I believe is true for me?

Did I fail to ask for what I wanted?

Did I not ask enough? Appreciate enough?

Did I not do what I said I would do?

Did I procrastinate?

There is an often quoted saying, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free”. Facing up to truth is a choice. It is at the very core of human nature to blame others. Blame is a form of self-preservation, an escape mechanism for us. We don’t want things to be our responsibility, so we rationalise our actions and go to any extreme to blame others. However, the relationship suffers big time! In protecting ourselves, we damage the relationship.

When we appoint blame, we lose the opportunity to solve a problem. We are more responsible for our decisions than we think. ‘What goes around comes around’. When blaming, we may think we’ve got away  ‘with it’. Think again! Do you really think that we have? What are the real consequences of blaming? Does it work? I expect that the answer is “No”. Here then, is an opportunity to make a real difference. Choose not to blame…….it doesn’t work!

Nothing in our relationship will change unless we begin to do something different. If you want to get something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.

Gandhi put it this way, “We must become the change we seek in the world (relationship) and that takes a decision”.  It’s all in the ability to choose.

How often do we choose to be caring, honest, accepting and responsible?

These attributes don’t seem to be ‘natural’ in our society!

Maybe we get caught up in the following?

Not interested enough in others?    Too busy getting self together?

–  detracting from CARING / AWARENESS

Manipulating?  Defensive? Not wanting to deal with consequences?

–  detracting from HONESTY

Power games?  I’m not good enough? Fixed on “getting it right”?  Socialised black and white thinking?

–  detracting from ACCEPTING

Taking the easy route? Following others? Fear of making the “wrong” decision? Blaming others?

–  detracting from RESPONSIBILITY

If you catch yourself blaming, choose to stop, and feel good about being responsible!

Play to stay together!

The ability to be playful translates into staying power. Having fun together enables relationships to thrive in the face of stressful and challenging situations.

Try some ‘openness’, seeing things through their eyes.

All emotional sharing builds strong and lasting relationship bonds, but sharing humor and sheer delight adds a unique restorative and healing element, reducing stress and mending fences. Nothing works faster or more dependably to alter stress and bring your body and mind back into balance. With so much power to heal and renew, the ability to laugh easily and frequently is a tremendous resource for surmounting problems in relationships. Finding ways to create a playful environment in even the most dire situation can dramatically transform the outcome.

In relationship, play is a source of pleasure made more joyous by the mutuality of the experience. We play together in relationship to:

  • Practice spontaneity

  • Let go of defences – forgetting briefly our judgements, criticisms and doubt.

  • Release inhibitions

  • Calm and energise

  • Become emotionally authentic

The laughter of course needs to be mutually shared and not one sided. Also, when we use humour as a cover for other feelings of fear, hurt, anger, and disappointment, we create confusion and mistrust in our relationship.

One of the best ways to learn how to play is to practice with the ‘experts’. Play with animals, babies, young children. Every one of us is born joyful.  It is our natural birthright.  We’re all born happy, playful, free, uninhibited and loving but, bit by bit, children learn to rein in laughter, seek approval, hide impulses and become conditioned to do only that which makes life easier for others.

Remember what made you happy and start shedding the old limitations and expectations.  It takes courage to choose joy.

Play gives us the opportunity to turn frustrations and negative experiences into opportunities for shared fun and intimacy. Laughter and the ability to see things from a humorous perspective make us resilient and gives us a means to strengthen the relationship.

Walk down another street

Think of the possibility of changing your response.

What we need to learn is how to not be impacted negatively by the goings on around us. Especially when we consider that many stress inducing events and individuals are likely to increase.

Wanting to reach your goals is likely to be a stress increasing activity – not the reverse.

A holiday is likely to be a stress inducing situation.

Therefore we must learn to change our response – not remove the negatives.

Stress is an individual response (decision) made about something. Mostly we stress when we “make” something wrong. If we stay neutral and just observe for a while we can choose a response instead of uncontrollably reacting.

Try going another way to the way you usually go. Choose a different response.

Which way?

Any direction other than your normal one would be great.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters


I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in. I am lost…..I am helpless. It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.



I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.



I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in…it’s a habit….but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately



I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I walk around it.



I walk down another street.


Responsibility vs Blame

What does Responsibility mean to you?

To me, it used to have connotations of obligation, accountability, ownership, and being loaded with a generous pinch of judgment and self-blame or liability. It conjures up images of my childhood,   “You need to be responsible”.   It was good to learn that it’s about choosing our actions and with them come their consequences.  To not blame others and therefore to have much more control over my live,  even if I didn’t want to own that responsibility all the time! It’s much easier to blame. Now I realise that blaming makes me a victim to circumstances rather than feeling in control of my own life.

“You take responsibility for your life and a ‘terrible’ thing happens… no one to blame!”

Responsibility is your ‘ability to respond”.  WOW!  That’s a pretty cool way of looking at it!  So by taking responsibility, you are acknowledging your ability to respond.  You are not a passive recipient in the world but an active entity!   I loved the freedom and power that came with seeing it in this new light: responsibility: your “response ability” or “ability to respond”.

So how does it apply to real life?

Embracing that we have control over what happens next.  We  take control of the situation and put the ball back in our court.  By taking responsibility for our health,  life,  actions, we take back our power and become free to respond and move forward in any way we choose.   By not taking responsibility or holding others responsible, we give our power away, we are effectively saying I have no control over that, which leaves us powerless to change and grow or influence others and circumstances.

It would appear that taking responsibility takes us to a point for maximum growth.

Here’s to stepping into our own power!

The value of a coach

In amongst the hustle, bustle and drama that the lead up to Christmas seems to always generate, make sure you take time to have a look at your efforts for the year that will soon be over. Many of your goals and targets may have been met and others may still be sitting there almost untouched – alive and mysteriously evasive.

Every time I have taken the time to look at the ‘why’ of my achievements and my failures I have been illuminated. For some reason I can suddenly see clearly that my ‘misses’ would have been expected had I bothered to lift my head up from its traditional position (bum upwards and keep working!!) and taken a look around. Of course, some targets, I just wasn’t invested enough in. You’ll know what I mean when I say, “It would be nice if…” Those kinds of goals are always, always, always pipe dreams that get no real effort so it’s not really a surprise we don’t get there.

What really strikes me are the ones I wanted, put a big effort into and still came up short. I’m usually mystified until I talk it out with one of the team. Inevitably they ask a question that requires some introspection and I see that I have an investment in not reaching that particular goal. That’s when real insight and understanding happen. When I reach out and invite an outsider into my world – they inevitably see what I can’t. I guess that’s what coaching really is.

Written by Mary Blackburn

How to abolish limiting beliefs

Are you financially independent?

Would you call yourself confident?

Are your relationships as rewarding and fulfilling as you want?

Don’t be alarmed.

If you’re like most people, the answer will be NO to at least one, if not all of the above questions…

It may be your limiting beliefs that are holding you back!

Think of an area of your life that you’re not happy with.
Quickly grab a pen and paper and ask yourself “Why haven’t I achieved what I want?”

HINT: The answer to this question must always begin with “Because I…”

Write down the first thing that comes to mind.
Then ask the question “Why?” of what you wrote down.

Keep going on like this until you hit your core belief, you’ll know it when it you get there.


The KEY is to continue asking yourself the question:
“Why?”…until you dig through to your real core belief.

It may take a few minutes or sometime longer, you just need to keep at it. You can take a break if you need to, you don’t have to do it in one session.

Make sure that you don’t take it too seriously –  Have fun with it! Write down the ridiculous answers, you will be surprised where they may lead you.

It’s all about having some FUN and relaxing.


Oh – I should let you know that a limiting belief will not be based on any real logic.

Which means…

Once you’ve discovered a limiting belief that’s holding you back…

And, you realize it’s merely this harmful “belief” that’s preventing you from achieving your dreams…

You can now:

1. Change that belief to one that works for you.

2. Develop a new and much more powerful mindset around your goal!

3. Finally begin seeing your dreams and goals unraveling in your life, with a new vigor and excitement!

Source – Richard Luck